This is a plea to my fellow North Americans. It's my fondest wish. It's what I want for Christmas. People, I am begging here.

Bathe.

That's all I ask. A bath a day, or a shower, or even a good wipedown with a facecloth, hot water, and soap. Blow that stank off you. I know you can do it.

Sure, there are advanced levels of hygiene I'd like to see in a perfect world. But we all know this will never be a perfect world. Trimmed nose and ear hair, cleanish fingernails, well-covered butt cracks ... I know this is more than I can expect.

But for God's sake, people, take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to have a bath.

Somewhere out there, I know, there are people who have medical conditions or unfortunate occupations which cause them to smell less than rosy. Those people are probably taking offense at this article. Please, don't. I know you're doing your best to control the situation. I'm not directing this at you.

I wish I could say the people I am directing this toward know who they are, but I doubt it. You folks really don't seem to have a clue. Allow me to give you some:

1. Do you bathe, at a minimum, every second day – more if you've been exercising or rolling in pig shit?

2. Do you own and use some form of deodorant, be it a commercial preparation, an odor rock, or good old cornstarch and baking soda?

3. Can you remember your original skin colour?

If you answered "no" to any of the above questions, go take a bath. You can read the rest of this later. I'll wait.
I'm happy to wait an extra ten minutes for a houseguest who's taken a shower. I would pay extra for shampooed hair in the service industry. I would hand out free toothbrushes if I thought people would use them.

I'm prepared to make some kind of deal if you're prepared to scrub down. Bring me an offer.

Please note, however, that jeans worn by an unwashed person for six weeks in a row quickly undo the good work if your daily shower. Clothes need baths, too. And time off. Treat your clothes like unionized workers and I won't have to cross the street to avoid you.

There is a disorder in Japan called "taijin kyofusho" (roughly translated: interpersonal fear). This is the fear that one's body odor or appearance is offensive. It makes sufferers reluctant to go out in public.

If you can't bring yourself to splash a little water on your private parts now and then, maybe this is a Japanese import you should have.